How many times have we cats heard someone in the kitchen preparing food, we run out to see what it is, and end up being stepped on?

Well, we have a solution.

• I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.
• I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.