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Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said I needed an upgrade.

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.