A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf > enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He: ``Sure. Have you got any balls and club?''

Me: ``?.....of course. Why?''

H: ``Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off.''

M: ``?T-off? Whats this T-off?''

H: ``Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse.''

M: ``Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you don't mind.''

H: ``(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little finger.''

M: (them damn women been talk'n again)

H: ``Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you ball on top of it.''

M: ``Oh, this is sit down game?''

H: ``No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T.''

M: ``Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far?''

H: ``No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?''

M: ``?.....of course. Why?''

H: ``Zippered bag or velcro?''

M: ``?...........neither.''

H: ``Oh, well how do you hold you club?''

I: ``Two fingers.''

H: ``No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing.''

M: ``Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind.''

H: ``Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder...''

M: ``No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of.''

H: ``. . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar.''

M: ``I can well belive that.''

H: ``Then when your on the green . . .''

M: ``What's the green thing?''

H: ``Ah, thats where the hole is.''

M: ``You color blind?''

H: ``No, why?'' ``...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter...''

M: ``Whats a putter?''

H: ``Smallest club made''

M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

H: ``...and with it you put the ball in the hole.''

M: ``You mean the putter?'

H: ``No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.''

M: ``Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon.''

H: ``Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17.''

M: ``I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I in the 18th one?''

H: ``Why, the holes got a flag in it.''

M: Sheeez!

A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.

``Ah'', says St. Peter, ``we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the `F' word, didn't you?''

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard.