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* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.


* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.


* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.


* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."


* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together. * Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.


* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. * Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, and home repair.


* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.


* Curley is the bald one. * Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.


* Socks never constitute a gift. * Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.


* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.


* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.


* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.


* No, you can't have the remote control.


* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.