I have to tell someone. Keeping it a secret all these years has taken its toll on my sanity. You're the only one I trust and hope you will understand. Don't judge me too harshly.

A man hits the bars in San Francisco and decides to walk over the Golden Gate Bridge. In his drunken stupor he gets up on the rails, slips, and falls to his death. The next day his family doesn't know where he is, he doesn't show up to work, and a missing person report is put out. 

A lieutenant reports to his superior, "Comrade Colonel, nothing of significance has happened during my watch. Only the dog died."
"Why did the dog die?"
"Ate too much of horse meat."

Announcement of the statistics on the highest adultery level:
- The first place is hold by movie stars!
- The second are theatre actors!
- And the third is the Navy!