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Welcome to the psychiatrist hotline:

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call. Please stay on the line.

If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice will tell you what to do.

If you are manic depressive it doesn’t matter what you do, no one cares about you anyway.